Things I Need to Learn....

But never seem to quite get.

I need to learn how to live in the moment. Life is not about tomorrows, life is not about yesterdays, life is about today. To quote The Music Man: Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don't want empty yesterdays...

I need to learn to speak up. Most of the time I feel like I don't have a strong enough opinion to say anything, so I don't. My philosophy has been that the world already has thousands of loud, obnoxious opinionated people and I'd rather not be labeled as one, but more often than not I'm not heard at all. I'm sure there's a way to speak up and not be obnoxious.

I need to learn how to ask and accept help, especially when I'm stressed. People often offer assistance and I obstinately tell them no thank you, I can handle this myself. This isn't always the best answer.

I need to learn how to fight. Not literally, cause I'd rather not hit anyone anyway, but when it comes to situations that require a fight or flight instinct (and again I don't really mean physically fight). I'd really just rather run away all the time. I think this is another defense mechanism. Things are hard- run away! This should probably change.

I need to learn how to take one thing at a time. Like the song. Just take one step at a time, there's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly or falling in love (neither of which I know how to do anyway...)

I need to learn to smile even when I feel like kicking puppies. Not that I would kick puppies, but that was the first thing that came to mind. Let's rephrase this. I need to learn to smile even when I'm in a bad mood.

I need to learn to be more social. In my head I am content with what I have. I have friends, not tons, but I have a handful of friends that are very dear to me. More often than not I don't feel the urge or the need to meet new people. Maybe I have a social disorder or something (psychology would have everyone believe they have one disorder or another anyway so, why shouldn't this be mine?) but I never feel the need to introduce myself to everyone. Recently, however, I've made a few friends in a couple of my classes (which really, doesn't happen too often) and I think I should open up. More often than not people think I'm stuck up, and I've seen how others could see that to be true. I hope I'm not stuck up and I hope I can change that image.

Needless to say there are billions of things I still need to learn, but these are the ones I decided to showcase today. I guess I still have a lot of work ahead of me.

Jason Mraz

Details in the Fabric

By Jason Mraz

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Spring Break #2

Last year I wrote about Spring Break and how literate my immediate family is. For this post I will once again spotlight my family. I guess I'm pretty boring for not doing anything for yet another Spring Break, but at the same time I'm really happy that I got to go home and hang out with the family (especially the shorter ones in the family, and I don't just mean Heather hehe).

Anyway, I like my family. In all reality, I love my family. Each one has something to bring to the table and it makes life a wonderful meal, so to speak. This post, however, is a tribute to my niece and nephews (as if I don't gush about them enough, but I really can't over them!). These five children (soon to be SIX! Congrats Chelsea!) are amazing, in a nutshell.

So, here is to Jayna, Jacob, Logan, Cohen, and Lucas (and soon to be baby GIRL Leavitt!) I love them all so stinkin much :D

This is usually where I would put in an adorable picture of me and these kids, however I forgot to take one. So in your head imagine 5 crazy little kids and an ultrasound picture haha

First Signs of Spring...

And I have a cold. I think this is a classic case of dramatic irony.

Dumb.

Petulant #3

Today I have the overwhelming feeling to ditch class and just take a much needed walk. I feel like my brain has impaled itself. For some reason I've had an abundance of thoughts (I know surprise, surprise), thoughts that I don't necessarily know what to do with. I'm not stressed; school has been busy, but not unmanageably so. Life in Logan as a whole has been pretty ok, but my mind will not turn off. Usually if this happens it's with worries or stresses, but right now it's with planning. I feel like I've relentlessly been trying to plan my life (particularly my summer). I think I'm trying to make myself impossibly busy for the summer.

I really want the next two months to be over. I'm not exceptionally excited about the summer (cause I dunno if there's that much excitement for moving into my older sister's basement...). I am, however, excited about being busy. I have a couple job prospects and a list of at least 50 books or more that I am going to read, and this list gets bigger daily.

I also really want my head to stop planning. I keep thinking of more things that I want to do this summer and frankly, there just aren't enough hours in the day. I've committed myself to watching my sister's kids in the early mornings; she's recently been promoted to head drill coach at Copper Hills High School and therefore has practice from now until the end of time. Anyway, I've committed to that. I also have my foot in the door for a few jobs (yes more than one, cause I'm planning on having more than one job. See the problem with my planning brain?)

I wish I could in reality do everything on my list of "Things I'm Going to do Summer 2010." I am going to try to do the majority of the things, and I've planned out (see more planning) how to fit those things in (for example I will always have the current book that I'm reading on my person, in case I find some down time away from the planned time I have for reading, little things like that).

Not only reading and working and watching my sisters kids for a few hours each morning, I also want to take classes online. See how far this madness is going? My planning brain is driving me up the wall. I've recently discovered a few classes that are offered during the summer which would make graduation that much closer, and I really want to take them. I keep telling my brain that there are only 24 hours in any given day. I know that I'm not good with math, but I do know that part time job + full time job + part time watching kids + full time summer student + hours upon hours of reading = much much more than 24 hours a day, let alone 168 hours a week.

What's more is that I think my brain is trying to compensate for things that I can't plan for. There are so many things that I have absolutely no control over that I think I'm using this as a defense mechanism, I can't have control over various aspects of my life, so I'll plan and take control of every other aspect. This is me psychoanalyzing myself in case you were wondering.

And this is the reason for my wanting to just ditch Shakespeare and go for a walk, swing in a swing, and forget planning. Or even just think of something other than planning. Believe me it goes beyond just the summer too. I have the rest of my semester planned out, which is actually extremely helpful cause then I won't have any kind of panic attack at any point during the semester... hopefully. Anyway, this is my rant of the week.

What's Your Major Again?

"English"

"Oh, what are you going to do with that?"

"Teach."

*Awkward or weird sound usually accompanied by "Good for you." or "Why?"

And here I am to answer this very question. Why do I want to teach? I've actually spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about this question. In all reality, what does Shakespeare, Robert Browning, Robert Frost, Brock Dethier or any other writer and their writings have to do with life or how you live it? In my countless hours of thinking over this, agonizing really, I have split it up into two simple answers.

The history books we read are just a script for tomorrow. No I didn't come up with that, it's from a song by Cary Judd. We have to learn from the past, and what other way is there to learn from the past other than reading about it? And not just history. Fiction often portrays things that have happened, just giving it a different face. That seems like a fairly trite answer; "I want student's to learn from the past." But that's a big reason why for me.

The bigger reason, the biggest reason to me to teach is to perpetuate understanding. More importantly, to perpetuate understanding of people; their customs and deep rooted beliefs. In a nut shell (because I could literally go on forever about this, and in effect have gone on forever about this in many a poor notebook) I want to teach how to look out of another persons eyes. If I could help just one person understand one other person, I think it would be worth it. I don't even know exactly why, but understanding generates compassion, and I think I hold compassion in the highest esteem.

This might seem like a visionary or unrealistic way of looking at it, but I often wonder why people don't take a short time to try to understand someone else. I'm as guilty of this as any other person, and I strongly believe that learning to read, and to read well will help in perpetuating understanding. If one of my students could read something, and understand not only the surface meaning, but perhaps the meaning behind it as well then I would feel like I had done a job worth doing.

Reading is only the half of it. We also have to be able to portray our own point of view in an effective way. This way the circle of understanding would be complete. Now I know this is fairly unrealistic, but in my head it makes sense. How many misunderstandings and misinterpretations could be avoided if more people knew how to effectively get their point across and have other people understand where they are coming from.

So I guess I want to teach to perpetuate understanding, and hopefully generate compassion.

Thanks for the Advice, but...

I've recently come to an important conclusion. I am very susceptible to advice, especially from people whom I hold in high esteem. They tell me what they think I should do in a given situation- and granted, sometimes I plead for advice, but other times they give it; and seemingly without thinking of the consequences in my own life, I take the advice. I do what this person thinks would be best for me in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate advice, otherwise I wouldn't solicit it. However,I've come to the conclusion that I want to make my own decisions independent of anyone's opinions. In all reality, no one can tell me what I should do, what I believe, or how I should go about a certain situation.

This was actually sparked by a relatively small thing. My roommate suggested that I wear sandals because it was a sunny day. Even though I knew it would still be freezing (because in Logan, Utah sunshine does not equal warmth) I wore them. And frankly, I was kinda miserable. It was a fun idea, but not really what I wanted to do. By the end of the sunny but freezing day my toes hurt so bad I didn't want to move. And I do this a lot. I might even know that it's something I don't really want to do, but I do it anyway. The person giving the advice usually has my best interest at heart, but sometimes it's just not right for me, and I suppose I don't realize that.

I think I'm writing this so I can remember. I need to do what I want to do because I want to do it... if that makes sense, and I think writing it down helps. I don't want to do anything that I honestly don't want to do, or anything that doesn't fit in my life for me right now. I am done jumping face first into someone else's well meant advice. This includes wearing Chaco's in February just because it's sunny. I still love ya Fanky ;)