Petulant #3

Today I have the overwhelming feeling to ditch class and just take a much needed walk. I feel like my brain has impaled itself. For some reason I've had an abundance of thoughts (I know surprise, surprise), thoughts that I don't necessarily know what to do with. I'm not stressed; school has been busy, but not unmanageably so. Life in Logan as a whole has been pretty ok, but my mind will not turn off. Usually if this happens it's with worries or stresses, but right now it's with planning. I feel like I've relentlessly been trying to plan my life (particularly my summer). I think I'm trying to make myself impossibly busy for the summer.

I really want the next two months to be over. I'm not exceptionally excited about the summer (cause I dunno if there's that much excitement for moving into my older sister's basement...). I am, however, excited about being busy. I have a couple job prospects and a list of at least 50 books or more that I am going to read, and this list gets bigger daily.

I also really want my head to stop planning. I keep thinking of more things that I want to do this summer and frankly, there just aren't enough hours in the day. I've committed myself to watching my sister's kids in the early mornings; she's recently been promoted to head drill coach at Copper Hills High School and therefore has practice from now until the end of time. Anyway, I've committed to that. I also have my foot in the door for a few jobs (yes more than one, cause I'm planning on having more than one job. See the problem with my planning brain?)

I wish I could in reality do everything on my list of "Things I'm Going to do Summer 2010." I am going to try to do the majority of the things, and I've planned out (see more planning) how to fit those things in (for example I will always have the current book that I'm reading on my person, in case I find some down time away from the planned time I have for reading, little things like that).

Not only reading and working and watching my sisters kids for a few hours each morning, I also want to take classes online. See how far this madness is going? My planning brain is driving me up the wall. I've recently discovered a few classes that are offered during the summer which would make graduation that much closer, and I really want to take them. I keep telling my brain that there are only 24 hours in any given day. I know that I'm not good with math, but I do know that part time job + full time job + part time watching kids + full time summer student + hours upon hours of reading = much much more than 24 hours a day, let alone 168 hours a week.

What's more is that I think my brain is trying to compensate for things that I can't plan for. There are so many things that I have absolutely no control over that I think I'm using this as a defense mechanism, I can't have control over various aspects of my life, so I'll plan and take control of every other aspect. This is me psychoanalyzing myself in case you were wondering.

And this is the reason for my wanting to just ditch Shakespeare and go for a walk, swing in a swing, and forget planning. Or even just think of something other than planning. Believe me it goes beyond just the summer too. I have the rest of my semester planned out, which is actually extremely helpful cause then I won't have any kind of panic attack at any point during the semester... hopefully. Anyway, this is my rant of the week.