Hey, Me Too Marilyn

"I'm selfish, impatient, a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times, I'm hard to handle. But, if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

-Marilyn Monroe

Kudos to Kirena Allen, I stole this from her.

Fear

Ok, don't judge me, but I've recently finished reading the Fablehaven series... for the second time. Yes, your ten to twelve year old sibling is probably reading that too. Good for them, because it is an excellent book. So don't judge.

Anyway, an aspect of this book has been nagging at my brain for a while now and so I figured I'd get it out of my brain and onto the web. I guess it works out, sorta. In this series the main characters are nine year old Seth, and fourteen year old Kendra. They face random and fantastical challenges (which I will not give away at this time, just in case you decide you want a diversion from the everyday) but at one point Seth faces a demon which incapacitates him with a debilitating fear. Quite literally he can't move. When he finds the will to move, however each movement he makes takes a thousand times more energy to do than it normally would. This "magical fear" stops every character in their tracks- literally.

You might scoff and say "Psh, what a kids book Megan- magical fear that makes it so you can't move at all? Duh." But I couldn't help but make a connection. In all honesty I don't think anyone that reads this can say that they haven't felt something like this. Fear creeps into every aspect of life, even things that should be wonderful and exciting; you feel your stomach begin to sink and your heart races, and you can't move. You don't act.

I feel like everyone has something very similar to this fear. Sometimes it really does make one physically unable to move. For others it is the fear to move forward in the less literal sense. To make progress for better. Far too often we stay stagnant because of a debilitating fear that courses through the human body. I've been thinking about it and I no longer want fear to govern my actions. It has in the past, and I can recognize that it has created problems and made things more difficult. Today, however, I want nothing to do with this fear. If you still feel like this kids book is just for kids, I dare you to read it. The undercurrents of this book are amazing and tell a story all it's own. I want to diminish this fear. I figure if a fictional nine year old boy can overcome magical fear and progress forward into an unknown fate, so can I (probably with less demons though). I want to move forward with my life, with courage and purpose. So, that's just what has been on my mind. Continue to judge if you must, but I'm ok with reading kids books. More often than not it's simple things that teach us the most profound lessons, and I found one here.

I Write for Myself

Today (or I guess technically this morning, however the case may be) I had an epiphany. I was reading some old journals (which seems to be a pastime I enjoy while being home cause I've done it a lot) I realized something. I write for myself. This is exceptionally true of my journals because if anyone else read them they would find the rant of a girl anywhere from age 8 to 19. For me, however, it's more than that.

It never ceases to amaze me the impact my own writing has had on me. I know that my writing will have little to no affect on anyone else in the world, but it kills me how many times I've read something that I previously wrote and thought that it was something that I desperately needed to hear- and more that that, if anyone else but myself had said or written those things I would have never listened!

So I guess this is me writing to myself in some future time or something. I write to myself and I'm good with that. So if you're reading this, it's appreciated, and don't get me wrong I like that you're reading it, just know this isn't a lecture for you. In all reality this is probably something I'll need to hear at some other time.

I apologize if this is weird. You'll also have to take into account that it's two in the morning as I write this.

Staying Positive

I have recently moved home, and for me it hasn't been the most thrilling thing in the entire world. In fact, I have been going insane and haven't really been trying very hard to make an effort to stay positive. Today that changed and of course the result is a list. Most often I think in blog posts and so this is what I've been thinking.

A list of things I love about South Jordan Land:

1. Being reintroduced to old friends and deciding to be better friends. Merrit Denison and I went on a beautiful hike this morning and I have to say that in the last week it's the happiest I've been.

2. My little brother. Gavin is 14 and is the wittiest 14 year old I know. And yes, he can get on my nerves severely, but I like to hang out with him. I love seeing the person he's becoming and not gonna lie I'm kinda jealous. He has sweet awesome electric guitar skills and is basically a genius. He's pretty ok :)

3. My entire family. Sorry fam that Gavin got his own little segment, but I am currently living with him. That doesn't mean that I'm not excited to be closer to my whole family over all. I'm happy that I won't be missing fun things with my extended family as well. I missed too much last summer.

4. Finding less stress at home. I do this through reading good books- good books that my 14 year old brother tells me to read. Don't judge.

5. Warmer weather. It's just warmer here than in Logan or Jackson. It's good.

6. Going to Lagoon for free :)

I'm sure there's more, but that's all the positive attitude I can suck out of myself for today.

The Tighter I Hold On....

The more it feels like everything slips out of my control. I've been home for two days and I don't know if I can handle it. I've applied for jobs (jobs that I was fairly certain I would get) and most of them have fallen through, so I've applied for more. And more. And now I feel like it's out of my hands.

In fact, I feel like nothing is in my control. Some people say that if you feel like you're in control, you're not driving fast enough. Right now I don't even feel like I'm driving at all. I don't even feel like I'm riding shot-gun. I've never felt like things are so utterly out of my hands, and you know what? I hate it. I'm not an enormous control freak, but I would like to be in control of a few things in my life, and at the moment I don't think I am.

One time I wrote that I felt like everything I had been planning and hoping for had been thrown out the window- not even all my planning, but I felt like I was flailing hopelessly out the window as well.

This is how I feel. Perfect.

Happiness

Of all the emotions I've had running through me in the past week, this one has seemed to be the most elusive.

I've felt sad over the fact that this is probably the last time I will live with one of my greatest friends ever. Miss Megan Fankhauser has not only shared my name, but my apartment for the past two years at USU and I have loved every minute of it. She moved out today, and even though our families live close together I can't help but think that it won't be the same. This makes me sad. I wish her the best in everything she does, and I know she will go and do amazing things, but it still makes me sad.

I've felt an unnerving sense that I don't know what's going to happen and that everything is about to change. I'm not certain of what I want to do in the upcoming year and I feel like everything is hanging precariously just waiting to fall. So I've felt uneasy as well.

I've felt nervous to turn in four papers. I'm fairly confident that they are well written (at least to the best of my abilities) but I couldn't help feel nervous for the outcome- that won't come for another week and a half. So this has made me nervous.

I've felt a lot of frustration. I currently don't have a summer job and everywhere seems to be a dead end.

I've felt ornery.

I've felt crabby, tired, obnoxious, anxious, angry, grateful, silly, and annoyed.

But happiness has seemed a little out of my grasp lately. And then today I read something that made me smile so much I almost cried. There truly are people in the world that work just to make people happy. They take time and effort to glean even the smallest smile for even the tiniest moment. To these people, I offer my heartfelt gratitude. Happiness seems so hard to come by these days, it's so much easier to feel any other dismal emotion. So, for everyone who strives to make someone else's day, for anyone that works to make others happy- Thank you. You set a beautiful example. Happiness may seem hard to come by on your own, but sharing it is probably one of the easiest things in the world. I hope I can share the happiness others have offered to me.

I don't know if I like Pop Tarts

If you're a Gilmore Girls junky like I am, you can relate. I feel like Lorelai.

Rory: Are you enjoying your breakfast?
Lorelai: I don't know if I like pop-tarts.
Rory: Did you fall on your head while you were sleeping?
Rory: So you fell on your head and now you have some kind of very specific amnesia is that it?
Lorelai: What if I don't wanna do what I wanna do because I wanna do it, but because they don't want me to?
Rory: Huh?
Lorelai: I mean what if I don't like what I like because I like it but because my mother doesn't like it. And doesn't want me to like it.

So my issue isn't really with Pop Tarts, but it's the same basic principle. I can't seem to figure out what I want, and I think the problem is that I don't know if the things I've done are because I've wanted to do them or if I've done them at someone's suggestion. What if I don't wanna do what I wanna do because I wanna do it, but because someone else wants me to? My version of Lorelai's question. I guess I'll figure it out sooner or later. In the mean time I hope this nagging stomach ache goes away.

Link to clip... Here!